Pedestrians

We share pavements, parks and trails with them and they're on two feet just like us. But what do we really know about pedestrians and what are they plotting as they slowly move from A to B? So slowly...

We've done our research and can now exclusively reveal the secret ten-point guide that is given out to non-running pedestrians:

1. Space it out, baby

Always walk three-abreast on narrow roads and make sure you're completely oblivious to anybody else. Ignore any voices you hear that say "excuse me". This is just the runner apologising for existing. Runners get bored running in straight lines and having to divert around you onto a busy road makes their run all that more interesting.

2. Stumble in the City

In the city and see a runner approaching you? Stare at them blankly for a few seconds then move directly into their path. This will test the runner's agility and they'll be extremely grateful.

3. Hyoooo-man?

If a runner is approaching you from behind be sure to turn round and stare at them as though you have never seen a human being before.

4. You're very welcome, sir

If you really can't bring yourself to completely ignore a runner then going to the other extreme is acceptable. On paths that are wide enough for a bus to pass why not unnecessarily step to the side and look on smugly while you wait for the runner to pass, who will feel obliged to speed up and begrudgingly mumble "thanks".

5. Jump to it

All runners secretly want to be hurdlers. Ensure that when walking a dog on a lead you stand on one side of the pavement with the dog on the other side. The runner will have to jump over the lead and get some of that much needed hurdling practice.

6. Nyurhrhrhurrgrghh

All runners like to be encouraged and this also gives you a chance to show off your superior wit with lines such as "Keep running, you'll get there eventually", "Get the knees up" and the classic "Run, Forrest, Run". Or our personal favourite "Argago ohohhoohoh HHHuhugugug GGGAUGHHHNnmm oohhhhahahh". Professional practical jokers might like to opt for something even more hilarious such as "Your shoe's untied".

7. Crazy runners

Walking past a group of runners gathered on a corner on your way out the office for a smoke? Be sure to smile, shake your head and tell them that they're mad. Runners need to be continually reminded that their preference for a healthy ambitious lifestyle is ridiculous.

8. Take it easy

Most runners run much too fast. Walking very slowly in front of them - and occasionally stopping dead to check your phone - will sort them out.

9. The Big Smoke

When you see a runner coming towards you be sure to light up and puff away like mad. This'll make the runner work harder to breathe and they'll get fitter as a result.

10. Chi-knees

And if you do get the chance to stop and chat to a runner be sure to let them know it's bad for their knees, before going home and sitting on the sofa all evening watching trash TV and eating your Chinese takeaway.

We don't really think there's anything wrong with Chinese takeaways*

* after a 15 mile run