Heat

“Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?”

No. No, it's not lovely weather. It's too hot. Lovely weather is about 50°F and clear with no wind or rain. That means I can run to the best of my ability (ignoring all the injury problems, tiredness, hills, bad pacing and other things that mean I'm never happy with a performance).

But this isn't a rant about the hot weather. It's a rant about stupid tips to "beat the heat".

Run early in the morning

OK. I got up at 6am and it was already 85°F? What now?

Slow down

I'm already slow. Next.

Run shorter distances

Perfect preparation for my autumn marathon.

Stay hydrated

Wow. What a great tip. I didn't think drinking WATER might help in hot weather.

Hide some bottles of water on your running route the night before

And spend the rest of my run paranoid that somebody found the bottles and tampered with them and I will drop dead at any minute from ingesting the slow-release poison? No way.

Wear less. Loose, light and breathable clothing is best.

So I should take this sweater off then?

Wear a cap

You just told me to wear fewer clothes. Make your mind up.

Slap on plenty of sunscreen

Yes, because sweat alone doesn't irritate my eyes enough.

Get used to the heat gradually over the spring

OK, but it's the middle of July and I'm melting. Thanks a bunch, Captain Hindsight.

Spend $5 on a specially-formulated isotonic drink

What am I? A cyclist? Running's supposed to be cheap.

Go for a swim

So, your tip for running in the heat is to not run? Thanks.

The author is currently admiring the tan lines left by his Garmin*

* OK, the area of slightly-less-red skin where his watch usually sits